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Главная » 2011 » Ноябрь » 20 » Virtual Omsk
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Virtual Omsk
Somewhere is a city, tranquil as a dream,
Transported softly to the bosom by gentle dust...

Robert Rozhdestvensky

Brian's Whimsical Omsk Diary

In Virtual Omsk virtual people, very similar to the real ones, live and function. Sometimes they even have the same names as their counterparts. However, the sometimes outrageous actions and declarations depicted should in no way be interpreted as insults or accusations. In Virtual Omsk, every day is April 1st. Events in Omsk follow in reverse order.

2001

  • 22/03/2001 In the Omsk mayoral election, Monica Polezhaeva received 459, 221 votes; the other candidates received no votes at all.
  • 14/03/2001 Governor, Leonid Polezhaev, announced that only those voting for Monica Polezhaeva may vote on March 18. People voting for any of the other candidates must vote on March 19.
  • 11/02/2001 Governor Polezhaev announced that, in an attempt to improve his relationship with the Omsk City Council, he has nominated Monica Polezhaeva for the post of mayor. His long-time friend and supporter, famous civil rights advocate, Viktor Korb, will be her campaign manager.
  • 05/02/2001 Governor Polezhaev announced that, as his wife has a city named after her (Santa Monica, California) it is only fitting that he be accorded the same honor. He has therefore renamed Omsk "Saint Leonidburg".
  • 09/01/2001 Stating, "She will bring back dignity and integrity to the City Council", famous Omsk journalist and civil rights advocate, Viktor Korb, announced that he will be Monica Polezhaeva's campaign manager in her bid to be Mayor of Omsk.
  • 03/01/2001 Governor Leonid Polezhaev announced that he has an ingenious plan to improve his relationship with Omsk City Council. He has nominated Monica Polezhaev as candidate for the Omsk mayoral election. Tomorrow he will fly to Texas to obtain advice from George Bush on how to conduct her election campaign.

2000 february

  • 08/02/2000 Mayor Roshchupkin filed a 5 million ruble lawsuit against Omsk Rubber, claiming that condoms that he bought, made by this company, had holes in them.
  • 05/02/2000 Mayor Roshchupkin announced that he will soon be a father. When asked how his wife felt about this he replied, "I don't know - I haven't yet dared to tell her".

2000 january

  • 31/01/2000 Mayor Roshchupkin congratulated Governor Polezhaev on his 60th birthday and presented him with a one year supply of Viagra.
  • 27/01/2000 Omsk Deputy Mayor, Gennadi Kopeikin, announced that attempts to sell Irtish water in Mexico and Armenia were a complete failure. However, tomorrow, he and his family will leave on a six week trip to try to sell Irtish water in Tonga, Kiribati, Tahiti and Madagascar.
  • 26/01/2000 Somebody urinated in the snow outside Omsk City Hall and wrote "death to Polezhaev". An investigation by the Cheka revealed that it was Mayor Roshchupkin's urine and Monica Polezhaeva's handwriting.
  • 21/01/2000 Mayor Roshchupkin announced that the City Council will hold a Miss Omsk beauty contest. The winner will receive a one week vacation in Morozovka and spend an evening with Governor Polezhaev. The second place contestant will receive a two week vacation in Morozovka and spend three evenings with Governor Polezhaev.
  • 20/01/2000 Monica Polezhaeva has made a commercial, to be shown on Armenian television, for Irtish water in which she declares, "Since I began to drink Irtish water I have lost 20 kilograms".
  • 17/01/2000 The new art institute on Marshal Zhukov Street will be named in honor of Omsk First Deputy Mayor, Nikolai Yalovenko. Its name, Khudozhestvennyi Institut Imeni Yalovenko, will be abbreviated to KhuInYa.
  • 13/01/2000 Uzbekistan President, Islam Karimov, met with Omsk City Council to discuss the unpaid bill for 50 camels. He rejected an offer of 100 rickshaws and 1000 litters of mineral water from the Irtish.
  • 12/01/2000 During peace talks, mediated by Mike Tyson, Governor Polezhaev bit off a piece of Mayor Roshchupkin's ear.
  • 11/01/2000 The Omsk Central Court sentenced former SibDermProm Vice President, Ruslan Sultanov to 20 years in prison for the theft of 4000kg. of fertilizer. However, since the prison's computer showed his sentence as expiring in 1920, he was immediately released.
  • 10/01/2000 Governor Polezhaev presided at the ceremonial opening of SukhVerbGovProm, a new company that will sell dried camel dung. He announced that this will solve the city's heating problems.
  • 07/01/2000 At the invitation of Omsk City Council, former world heavyweight champion, Mike Tyson, arrived in Omsk today to mediate the dispute between Mayor Roshchupkin and Governor Polezhaev.

1999 december

  • 31/12/1999 Omsk City Council Deputy Chairman, Nikolai Kutorgin, announced that, to help rehabilitate Chernobyl, he has formed a nuclear cleansing foundation. He has abbreviated its long Russian name, Yadernoye-Ochistitelnoye Uchrezhdenie, to YadrOchU.
  • 29/12/2000 Governor Leonid Polezhaev announced that from now on he wishes to be called "Saint Leonid" and that tomorrow he will walk on the Irtysh.
  • 27/12/1999 The Omsk Mafia have threatened a one day strike unless businesses pay them more.
  • 25/12/1999 Yesterday a delegation from Omsk City Council flew to Mexico to negotiate the sale of bottled drinking water from the Irtish.
  • 24/12/1999 Demolition began today of the Children's Hospital on Ordzhonikidze St. It will be replaced by a Macdonald's restaurant. The City Council cited this as evidence of their success in attracting foreign investment to Omsk.
  • 23/12/1999 Singapore Transport Minister, Hong Lee, met with the Omsk City Council to discuss the bill for 10,000 rickshaws, which is so far unpaid. He rejected an offer of payment in camel dung.
  • 22/12/1999 Yesterday, at a briefing the Omsk Cheka Chief Viktor Mironov depicted the group of international Duma election observers as spies and regretted that the law does not permit their immediate arrest and exile from the area: "after all they did not observe elections, but were really interested in the prospects of the region's development!!!"
  • 21/12/1999 50 camels arrived today from Uzbekistan to help solve the public transport crisis.
  • 20/12/1999 Microsoft Chairman, Bill Gates, arrived in Omsk today to file a $500,000 lawsuit against the Omsk Regional Pensioners Party for using an illegal copy of Windows 3.0.
  • 17/12/1999 Governor Leonid Polezhaev attended the ceremonial opening of the Federal Administration's employees' coffee shop. Its name will be abbreviated to FAKof.
  • 16/12/1999 Governor Leonid Polezhaev met today with representatives of the Transport Workers' and Teachers' Unions to ask for their help in obtaining his salary for November which is already two days late.
  • 15/12/1999 Due to a collision between two rickshaws, traffic on Mendeleeva Street was halted for three hours..
  • 14/12/1999 Yesterday, Governor Leonid Polezhaev appeared at the Omsk City Council meeting dressed as Santa Claus and presented Mayor Valeri Roshchupkin and all the Council members with a liter of vodka each.
  • 10/12/1999 A thief broke into the Lenin Library and stole both books.
  • 6/12/1999 At Hospital Number 12 on Gertsena St. a team of doctors made medical history by performing an appendix transplant.
  • 3/12/1999 At the inaugural meeting of the young persons' activist movement, "Torch Of Youth", it was resolved that they would be known by their Russian acronym FakYu.
  • 1/12/1999 The Omsk Journalists Association has given the coveted "Truth and Ethics In Journalism" award to famous American reporter, Brian Pritchard.

1999 november

  • 30/11/1999 Today on the River Om, filming began of "Titanic 2". To commemorate the event, Ul. Dekabristov will be renamed Leonardo di Caprio St.
  • 29/11/1999 Sibdermprom Vice-President, Ruslan Sultanov, appeared in court today to answer charges that he stole 4000kg. of fertilizer. He arrived in a red Cherokee accompanied by his counsel, famous Chicago lawyer, Vyecheslav Yolkin.
  • 26/11/1999 Saddam Hussein, Muammar Kaddafi, Ehud Barak and Yasir Arafat arrived yesterday in Omsk for a Middle-East peace conference. In the evening they were the guests of Governor and Mrs. Polezhaev at the Music Theater for a special performance of Jesus Christ Superstar.
  • 25/11/1999 Yesterday Omsk Prosecutor, Sergei Kazakov, requested the public's help in locating his stolen car. It is a red Jeep Cherokee with tinted windows and California license plates.
  • 22/11/1999 Yesterday on Green Island, Governor Leonid Polezhaev and Omsk historian, Ivan Shikhatov, dressed as Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck, attended the ceremonial opening of Siberian Disneyland.
  • 19/11/1999 Omsk Deputy Mayor, Gennadi Kopeikin, drank the first glass of beer produced by Sibpivpererabot, a beer recycling plant that opened yesterday on Dostoevsky Street next to the Palace of Culture.
  • 18/11/1999 Mayor Valeri Roshchupkin announced that, because the City's computers are not ready for Year 2000, in January there will be complete chaos in Omsk. However, he doubted that anybody would notice any difference.
  • 17/11/1999 At the suggestion of Monica Polezhaeva, Red Star Stadium has been renamed Kenneth Starr Stadium.
  • 16/11/1999 All the enterprises represented at the Small Business Exhibition in the Pushkin Museum have one thing in common - they all began as large businesses.
  • 15/11/1999 Yesterday, following the delivery of 10,000 rickshaws from Singapore, the Omsk Municipal Rickshaw Service began. Mayor, Valeri Roshchupkin and Governor, Leonid Polezhaev, pulled by famous Omsk dissident, Victor Korb, took a ceremonial 20 kilometer first ride from 22nd of April St. to Circular Lake and back.
  • 14/11/1999 Yesterday in Omsk, when asked by a reporter if accusations were true that he had used public funds to buy his new Mercedes, Omsk Regional Minister of Education and Culture, Ivan Shadov, replied, "F--- your mother"
  • 12/11/1999 Leonid Polezhaev announced that he could do nothing to help the famous Omsk dissident, Viktor Korb, obtain a replacement for his stolen Russian passport. However he promised to ask Mrs. Polezhaeva to use her considerable influence with the U.S. Government to obtain for Mr. Korb an American passport.
  • 11/11/1999 Monica Polezhaeva presided at the official renaming of Lenin St. which will now be called John Lennon St.
  • 10/11/1999 Yesterday Omsk Public Prosecutor, Sergei Kazakov, announced the arrest of Sibdermprom Vice President, Ruslan Sultanov, after 4000 kg. of stolen fertilizer were found hidden in his apartment.
  • 05/11/1999 Yesterday, Monica Polezhaeva, accompanied by her son, Elvis Leonidovich, presided at the opening ceremony of the fertilizer factory, "Sibdermprom", located on Krasny Put' next to the Palace of Culture.
  • 03/11/1999 The Singapore Minister of Public Transport, Hong Lee, arrived today in Omsk. Tomorrow he will meet with the Omsk Regional Council to negotiate the sale of 10,000 second-hand rickshaws which are needed to alleviate the public transport crisis.
  • 02/11/1999 Governor Leonid and Monica Polezhaev, suntanned after their honeymoon in Mongolia, held a reception at the Commercial Center to welcome Hillary Clinton, who is spending a week in Omsk to promote her Autobiography. Monica presented Mrs.. Clinton with a box of Siberian "Sibtabakprom" cigars to give to President Clinton.
  • 01/11/1999 Yesterday, the Omsk Tourist Board announced that the Russian gay activist group, Golubaya Rossiya, have chosen Omsk as the site for their annual convention in December. Over 60,000 gays from Russia and 30 other countries are expected to attend. Because of the shortage of hotel rooms, the Tourist Board is looking for 35,000 Omsk familes to act as hosts.

1999 october

  • 29/10/1999 At a news conference today at the Pedagogical Institute, the famous Omsk historian, Ivan Shikhatov, announced that he plans to emigrate to America and live in Santa Barbara. When asked why he had chosen Santa Barbara, he replied, "Because I know everybody who lives there and they all speak Russian".
  • 28/10/1999 The Rolling Stones opened their Siberian tour last night with a concert at the Music Theater. They began with "Ne mogu dostat' nikakoe udovletvorenie", a Russian version of their famous hit "Satisfaction". At a press conference today Mick Jagger announced that they plan to become Russian citizens and change their name to "Katyashiesya Kamni".
  • 27/10/1999 Yesterday at the Cathedral of the Assumption, the wedding took place of Governor Leonid Polezhaev and Monica Lewinsky. The couple, who have a six month old son, Elvis Leonidovich, will spend their honeymoon in Ulan Bator.
Категория: Brian Prithard | Просмотров: 489 | Добавил: KVV | Теги: Причард, анекдоты, юмор, 2000, humor, 2001, 1999 | Рейтинг: 5.0/1
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